Checking in and some stuff

There is no good excuse why I'm up this late screwing around on the computer. The reason why is because I don't want to go to bed and deal with yet another round of tomorrow. I'd like to stay in all day, supposed to rain, but I have to do the duties of food shopping, and even if I were to stay in, there be toddlers in the midst.

My summer was spent running from mosquitoes and cursing the heat. The mosquitoes have made me cry on more than one occasion. Would loved to have had the toddler play outdoors more, but I was being assaulted. Next year I'll buy a full blown expensive mosquito suit and look like a moron, but what choice do I have?

I write a lot on my fiction story because if I don't I'll go crazy and take everyone with me. It's a good escape and keeps the nutties down.

I had just written a good chunk of paragraphs I just deleted. Some things are better off not tossed into the view of the public. The shortened gist is that I have spent a long time trying to share my knowledge and wisdom with others, and I guess the problem over the long term has been ineffective communication coupled with trying to fix things for others when what I really needed to fix was myself. As if somehow by finding solutions for others, I would solve the problem myself, but it just doesn't work that way. Or perhaps I was just tired of being on this lonely path and wanted some company along the way. Instead, I more often than not pushed others away, not intentionally, but either through miscommunication, misinterpretation, or my own blindness to my own issues, I feel like I have either been ineffective or detrimental in following my incessant inner nature to help others.

Therefore, I'm taking a step back from it all. I wanted to develop a professional practice guiding others towards their own connection with Spirit, but I've realized that I don't yet have the accumulated wisdom, communication skills, or sense of self to embark on such a journey. One day I may, and when Spirit calls me, I hope I will clearly understand said call. I have felt calls before, but something always went awry. Perhaps this time focusing inward and just being nurturing and creative is what I need to do in this stage of my life. Maybe one day I will have a benevolent influence in this world, but lately, in reviewing my past years, I seem to accomplish little or it runs in the opposite direction. I don't know. Meditation on a mountain for a few dozen years seems to be in order, but such is not my path, not with a toddler running around.

I may share my inspiring stories, but as for solutions and advice, the well has run dry. The only solutions that are ever best for us are found within us anyway, through the help of a spirit guide or a spiritual mentor with far far more wisdom than I, that's for sure.

And maybe I'll stop screwing around in my public speaking club, avoiding the difficult stuff because I'm overstressed and oversensitive. Maybe one day when my thoughts and speech are clear, perhaps the call will come again. Until then, I'm writing robot fiction.

Now that I've spent way too long on here instead of in bed, I guess I'll hit the sack hoping the physical insomnia doesn't strike again (mind not racing but body is, loads of fun.)